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Abner Cadaver
01 April 2009 @ 05:45 pm


Fireworks? That sounds fun!



I AM THE BEST EXPLORER EVER!

Having grown up using an ancient Mac Plus, Malstrum's Mansion fills me with nostalgic glee.

 
 
Current Location: Malstrum Mansion
Current Mood: nostalgasm
Current Music: Howling of the worwilfs
 
 
Abner Cadaver
04 March 2009 @ 07:31 pm

WHAARGARBL
 
 
Current Mood: WAAAGE
Current Music: RRRRRRRRRGHH
 
 
Abner Cadaver
Last time on Oregon Trail, everybody in the party with an ounce of humanity had died or was horribly maimed. Then my OS 8 emulator got cholera.

Time to try that again. Same party, Priest still leads and claims to be a doctor and has a liberal quantity of bullets to prescribe.

Onwards!



Before long, we meet our old nemesis!

I've become a total puss and take a ferry.

Though I've never needed to buy anything after leaving Independence, so it's money well spent.

But the next river doesn't have a ferry! Oh god oh god oh god ASK FOR ADVICE

"... bloody yanks."

Anyways, a good caulking (I'm sorry) gets them across the river without incident.

I'd forgotten about all the delightful characters you can talk to last time! Let's see what more good folksy wisdom they can dispense!



(With deep apologies to hiimdaisy )




Okay, I just love gunning down wildlife mercilessly.


But we've reached Chimney Rock okay! By this time last attempt we had two casualties and an armless archaeologist.

It looks like things will be

going

just

fine.
how does a robot get even a fever

By the time we've reached Independence Rock everyone but the Priest is diseased, poisoned, or has broken limbs they don't even have.

Were it not for the bonuses given by the Priest's dubious medical credentials (though for the 1840s he's probably even not that bad) everyone would almost assuredly be dead by now. As it is, they exist in a perpetual state of torment.

But there is always someone worse off than you. MECC decided to drive this home with the saddest child ever.

Seriously, I don't think he ever once says anything that isn't about their abject suffering.

It's made pretty surreal by the other people you talk to at the same places as him:


Of course there's also this guy.

Jeez. Who pissed in YOUR bowl of broken treaties this morning?

I guess this is why they start shooting lasers.

There is one river that presents considerably more challenge than the rest, and it is pretty huge.

Everybody you talk to insists you hire the guide.
"I am not parting with three good suits to get across a lousy river."
"NATIVES ALSO HAVING CANCERS!"

It's the safe bet, but good clothes are hard to come by! So naturally we ford.


oops

We actually caulk and float just fine. In this you're basically assured death if you try and ford anything over two feet. Oregon Trail II is way more forgiving about doing things like fording 25-foot deep rivers.

Other than constantly flitting between near death and barely staggering along while the Priest continues to drive them west. There was only one delay:

"I've finally found the ruins of Mesa Verde. The adventure starts here!"
But there were only so many pots to be whipped, so the journey progressed ever onwards.

The Priest tolerates no more delays. FASTER.

And manages to run over Trilby.
I basically breezed through every fort and outpost. Unless you lose a lot of wagon parts or get caught in winter and can't hunt there's not a lot to buy.

You coooould rest and heal your party, but that's for pussies.

By the end of the journey, this was the general picture of health:

It didn't help to be moving fast in the desert at the height of summer.

And as you slowly burn to death and die of dehydration, the sun looks down in murderous glee.

But the forces of nature are no match! So quickly, we are near the end of our journey:

The perilous Dalles. (Man, Uboa breaks his imaginary legs a lot.) This is where you must conquer the rafting minigame.

ohgodohgodohgod i forgot how to pilot this thing

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And naught but a midi was left of him.

Moistened and saddened (well, two of them are) by the loss of their comrades (well, Trilby), the Priest, Lemeza and Quote pilot their half-destroyed raft to the shore. As the sun sets over the hills, a longed for sight spreads before them: the Willamette Valley, where they will start new lives.

BUT AT WHAT COST


Oh come on! Slaughtering the wildlife should count for way more than that!
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Current Location: Fort Walla Walla
Current Mood: Choleric
Current Music: dun-dunDUN
 
 
Abner Cadaver
27 February 2009 @ 08:01 pm
Not your piddly 8-bit Oregon Trail or fancy-pance Oregon Trail II, but the version that got shipped out to public schools around the nation in the mid-90s: Oregon Trail Deluxe!

I form up my party:


They're gonna get along greeeeeeeat.

And then, supplies!



The Priest makes sure to stock up on "MEDICINALS", and Trilby simply must have his unlocked wardrobe.

And then onwards, to Oregon!


Our first nemesis approaches: the Kansas River! I decide to take the safe route and caulk and floa-


oh
uh
Turns out Quote didn't have the bubble yet.

The Priest gives a brief rite, focusing on how Quote is "CURES FROM THE CANCERS OF ROBOT." Big Blue River approaches, so it's time t-

fuck.

Alas, Trilby drowned and took all the clothes and three oxen with him. It was just the Priest, Lemeza and Uboa left now. They would press onwards, ever west, until they reached the fertile Willamette Valley. There, they would build new lives, remembering those who did not make in.

But in the meantime:

Before even reaching chimney rock Lemeza had broken both arms. I suspect it had something to do with the Priest's cure for carpal tunnel.

Yes, the Oregon Trail was a living hell of drowning, dysentery and starvation. But at least one person had fun:



"I HAVING CURED THESE WILDLIVES OF CANCERS"

(Then my emulator froze up before I could save. The end.)
Tags:
 
 
Current Location: bottom of Blue River
Current Mood: dead
Current Music: it's pronounced oruhgun! OR-UH-GUHN!
 
 
Abner Cadaver
06 February 2009 @ 10:58 pm
I forget you exist. Perhaps I should work on syncing you with the rest of my feeds.

I put here are things that were said in the distant past, for no other reason than my own entertainment.

 
 
Current Mood: mudamudamudamudamudamudamuda
Current Music: they were ROCK N' ROLL CHIIIILDREEEEEN
 
 
 
Abner Cadaver
29 May 2007 @ 12:00 am
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE


WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP
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Current Location: Arby's
Current Mood: iratewroth
Current Music: Screams of the Damned